Guest Anonymous Posted February 6, 2004 Posted February 6, 2004 "The Stages of Canine Pregnancy" Canine pregnancy lasts nine weeks and then you have approximately 8 weeks of rearing to do. I have identified and defined the several stages we go through in this process: Week one: Was he the right one? Typified by agonizing over whether you chose the right stud. Week two: Was she fertile? Indicated by mildly threatening thoughts directed at your bitch and concern about wasted $$$. Week three: Oh lord, we missed her...stupid sterile stud dog. Week four: You schedule a vet visit for a sonogram and wake up the morning of the planned test to discover she looks like she ate a watermelon! Week five: Not enough food in the world to feed this bitch.... Week six: Oh lord she's lost some babies...when really she has just moved them around a bit and now she is hanging down more than spread out like a watermelon. Week seven: Dreams of glory featuring puppies with the best parts of both parents. Week eight: Nightmares of disaster featuring puppies that look like the neighbor's dog. Week nine: Maximum guilt...how could you do this to this sweet little girl, she can't eat or sleep and neither can you. Stage One labor: Now, is it now? No she is just rehearsing AND she has picked out one fake place for puppies, one real place and just rolls her eyes at the lovely new whelping facility you built for her. Stage Two: Well the fake place (the closet) has been passed up for the bushes in the front yard and you cannot convince her that her humongous butt is clearly visible to all passers-by...her head is hidden, she thinks she is in a den and to h*** with you, you have no idea what you are doing. Your job is to get her into the whelping box without stressing this delicate little dog mom to be or calling in the crane or forklift. Actual delivery of babies: Time is not on your side...it races, then crawls, races then crawls. Do you call the vet, do you wait. You have lighter moments ...the bitch trying to crawl into the laundry basket with the babies. Puppies Day one: Hubby comes in to view the litter, points at one and says "Wow is he cute". He is half the size of the other babies. Week One: Looking for heads in all the wrong places...now you KNOW better than to look for heads when they have smushed up muzzles from nursing Weeks Two and Three: You do their stress activities, monitor weights and every day hubby comes in to check on his boy...yes he is cute... fast, too. Easy to be fast when you are long as a freight train with long legs to match. You've picked out the best rears and tails from watching them nurse. During week three you discuss devotion to motherhood with your bitch when she announces the darn things have sharp teeth. Week Four and Five: They really are cute and you are caught thinking they are cute, because they are now on solid food and you are fast running out of clean paper. Hubby plays with his boy child and begs you to stack him up and tell him what you think ... you develop really good diversionary strategies. Week six: You are starting serious evaluation and start taking pictures ...you notice while doing the photographs that hubby's pick is now the same size as his littermates. The litter looks really good...aren't you glad you got that generic sperm and they all look like your bitch, who is perfect in every way Week seven: While analyzing the photos you keep coming back to one striking male who is very balanced and very proportioned...this cannot be happening. Could this be the "little " male your hubby liked.. THAT can't be... Week eight: The puppy party where all your friends and some of your enemies come over to pick your little darlings apart in great detail and make rude remarks about the faults that nasty stud produced. Their decision is unanimous ... pick of the litter is a strong handsome boy who trots wonderfully, comes when called and thinks your hubby hung the moon. Quote
imported_Kat Posted February 6, 2004 Posted February 6, 2004 LOL that is super and I am sure a lot of breeding owners would be able to identify with a lot of thsoe stages :lol: Quote
courtnek Posted February 15, 2004 Posted February 15, 2004 A burglar breaks into a house one night intending robbery. He cases out the house, deciding what to steal...all of a sudden he hears a voice that says "Jesus is watching you..." He freezes in place, looks to find the source of the voice. When he hears nothing else, he thinks he imagined it and starts to unplug the TV and stereo. Once again he hears "Jesus is warching you..." he turns on his flashlight and searches the room. In the far corner he finds a parrot, on a stand....the burglar walks up to him and says "Did you say that?" The parrot says "yes"...the burglar starts laughing and says "And just who are you?" The parrot says "I am Moses..." The burglar looks amazed and says "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses????" Looking almost smug, the parrot says "The same people who named the 140 lb. Rottweiler 'Jesus'....." Quote
imported_Kat Posted February 15, 2004 Posted February 15, 2004 Heard that one before but always good :D Quote
mouseatthebusstop Posted February 15, 2004 Posted February 15, 2004 I have heard it before too but it is very funny Quote
Guest shilpi Posted June 21, 2009 Posted June 21, 2009 3 dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vet's office. One is a Poodle, one is a Schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane. The Poodle turns to the Schnauzer and asks, "Why are you here?" The Schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep." The Schnauzer asks the poodle, "Why are you here?" The Poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep." The Poodle and Schnauzer ask the Great Dane why he is here. The Great Dane responds, "My owner is this beautiful ramp model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked, when she suddenly bent down to pick up something. She bent over and when the animal urge took over and the next thing I know- I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself." The Poodle asks, "So your owner brought you here to be put to sleep?" The Great Dane says,"No, my owner model brought me here just to get my nails trimmed." Quote
craig Posted November 15, 2009 Posted November 15, 2009 MrTapatio napisał(a):That's a good one man :D that was pretty funny... wonder why that guy got banned ? Quote
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