Rosebud Posted March 27, 2003 Posted March 27, 2003 :lol: Great laugh. I think my ridgies are finally learning the doorbell thing. Need more practice with crotch-sniffing and severly pout over the toilet bowl (which I leave down). :angel: Quote
snowdogs Posted March 27, 2003 Posted March 27, 2003 :lol: This is too funny. I laughed the whole time. So true Quote
luckychaos Posted March 28, 2003 Posted March 28, 2003 :lol: :lol: :lol: Hey would it be possible to teach all these to dogs? :D Quote
Guest Anonymous Posted May 14, 2003 Posted May 14, 2003 1. All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From My Dog... If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want. Don't go out without ID. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed). If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss. 2. A Man and His Dog A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. After a while they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill was a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. " Can my dog come in too?" the traveler asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me" he called to the reader, "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate and, sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself. Then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man, who was standing by then, waiting for them. "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is heaven," was the answer. "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was heaven too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their dogs behind." :black: Quote
Shannon_C Posted May 14, 2003 Posted May 14, 2003 ROTT'N'PIT napisał(a):1. All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From My Dog... Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss. :black: LOL Sounds like Charlie :D :lol: :D :lol: Great Jokes :wink: Quote
Rosebud Posted May 14, 2003 Posted May 14, 2003 :D 2. A Man and His Dog A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. I like that version better. :angel: Quote
Guest Anonymous Posted May 14, 2003 Posted May 14, 2003 How Dogs And Men Are The Same Both take up too much space on the bed. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. Both mark their territory. Neither tells you what's bothering them. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches. Neither does any dishes. Both fart shamelessly. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. Both like dominance games. Both are suspicious of the postman. Neither understands what you see in cats. How Dogs Are Better Than Men Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. Dogs miss you when you're gone. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong. Dogs admit when they're jealous. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.) You can train a dog. Dogs are easy to buy for. Dogs understand what "no" means. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. Why A Dog Is Better Than A Woman A dog's parents will never visit you. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink. A dog never expects you to telephone. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you. A dog does not shop. Quote
marion Posted May 14, 2003 Posted May 14, 2003 Love the heaven and hell one. And I must show the others to my other half (he won't like it) but so true. :o :o :o :o :o :o Quote
imported_Cassie Posted June 15, 2003 Posted June 15, 2003 Dog In Heat A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring the Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home." Quote
Angelboddy Posted June 15, 2003 Posted June 15, 2003 Thats to funny! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Quote
mouseatthebusstop Posted June 15, 2003 Posted June 15, 2003 :wallbash: :roflt: :roflt: :roflt: that was good Quote
abker17 Posted June 15, 2003 Posted June 15, 2003 Hilarious! :laugh2_2: :roflt: :laugh2_2: :roflt: :laugh2_2: :roflt: Quote
courtnek Posted June 15, 2003 Posted June 15, 2003 VERY funny!! LOL here's another one, from a television skit A woman brings her two poodles into the vet (wheeled in in a baby carriage of all things...) complaining that the female is getting fat. The vet examines her, and pronounces her pregnant. The woman gets all upset and says "That's not possible - she hasnt been near any male dogs....!!!" The vet examines the other dog and says "Well, this one is male...." She gets very angry and says "YOUNG MAN!! Dont be disgusting!! That's her brother!!!" Quote
imported_Cassie Posted June 16, 2003 Posted June 16, 2003 That is cute joke Courtnek! :lol: :lol: :lol: Quote
abker17 Posted June 17, 2003 Posted June 17, 2003 Mind games dogs play with humans 1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime. 2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.) 3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about. 4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth. 5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag. 6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by. 7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while. 8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears). 9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door. 10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!) Quote
abker17 Posted June 17, 2003 Posted June 17, 2003 Here is the website I got the jokes from, I really like The Official Dog Enthusiast's DON'T List, there are a lot of cat jokes too. Quote
abker17 Posted June 17, 2003 Posted June 17, 2003 http://www.geocities.com/CollegePark/6174/h--anima.html Quote
Sanvean Posted June 17, 2003 Posted June 17, 2003 Love this one! Just e-mailed it to my fiance :) Quote
courtnek Posted June 19, 2003 Posted June 19, 2003 I saw this before, but with one extra, that just cracked me up Whimper and shake during thunderstorms, especially at night. I f they throw you out of the bedroom than howl and whine. After a few nights like this, they might let you up on the bed. As soon as you're up there, quiet down immediately. Still shake, but dont make any noise. They will feel sorry for you and let you sleep up there whenever it storms.... Quote
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