Guest Anonymous Posted October 23, 2002 Posted October 23, 2002 EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY Day number 180 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! Day number 181 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! Day number 182 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE! 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE! 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE! 1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer. 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE! 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE! 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE! EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed. DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan. DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth. DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time Quote
science_doc Posted October 23, 2002 Posted October 23, 2002 That is the most true description of cats I have ever read :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D Quote
deepseasnake Posted October 24, 2002 Posted October 24, 2002 I thought it sounded like stewie from family guy :lol: :lol: Quote
Rowie-the-Pooh Posted October 24, 2002 Posted October 24, 2002 LOL! :D Iv'e seen it before, but didn't mind reading it again! It is waaaaay to funny! :D Quote
mouseatthebusstop Posted October 24, 2002 Posted October 24, 2002 :) I HAVE READ IT BEFORE IT IS VERY TRUE :D :D Quote
Guest Anonymous Posted November 13, 2002 Posted November 13, 2002 How to prepare for a puppy - 12 Easy Steps 1. Pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several places and walk around barefoot in the dark. 2. Wear a sock to work that has had the toes shredded by a blender. 3. Immediately upon waking, stand outside in the rain and dark saying, "Be a good puppy, go potty now - hurry up - come on, lets go!" 4. Cover all your best suits with dog hair. Dark suits must use white hair and light suits must use dark hair. Also float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning. 5. Play "catch" with a wet tennis ball. 6. Run out in the snow in your bare feet to close the gate. 7. Tip over a basket of clean laundry, scatter clothing all over the floor. 8. Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because that's where the dog will drag it anyway. (Especially when you have company.) 9. Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to the door shouting, "No no! Do that OUTSIDE!" Miss the end of the program. 10. Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning, and don't try to clean it up until you return from work that evening. 11. Gouge the leg of the dinning room table several times with a screwdriver - it's going to get chewed on anyway. 12. Take a warm and cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your puppy falls asleep on your lap. Author Unknown :lol: Quote
Guest Anonymous Posted November 13, 2002 Posted November 13, 2002 OH! Those are great! Of course, the last one if my fave....except you can't smell puppy breath with a blanket. Nothing smells better than puppy breath. :D Quote
Rowie-the-Pooh Posted November 13, 2002 Posted November 13, 2002 Too cute! I read it be4. but I read it again,it's sooo cute! :angel: Quote
Guest Anonymous Posted November 13, 2002 Posted November 13, 2002 I can't take credit for it, but I'm glad some are enjoying it! Regards, Goblin Ps. Wish Goblin good luck this weekend, off the the dog show we go! Quote
Guest Anonymous Posted November 13, 2002 Posted November 13, 2002 Sahsa, I have pictures of him "now 8months old" but don't know how to post them. can you help me ? Regards, Goblin Quote
mouseatthebusstop Posted November 13, 2002 Posted November 13, 2002 it's not that bad some puppies are good :) :) Quote
Dad4duchess Posted November 14, 2002 Posted November 14, 2002 good joke, especially like the cold apple juice part I know what that was like :lol: Quote
Guest Anonymous Posted January 14, 2003 Posted January 14, 2003 Please, all you younger kids/teens...don't take offense to this! I got it in email from my friend! When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year ‘round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it! But.... Now that I’ve reached the ripe old age of thirty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today. You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don’t know how good you’ve got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet—we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves! And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter—with a pen!--and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over some part of it and mess it all up! You want to hear about hardship? We didn’t have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your Mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn’t know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! And we didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like “Space Invaders” and “Asteroids” and the graphics sucked! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed! And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... ...D’ya hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little brats! That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled, I swear to God! You guys wouldn’t last five minutes back in 1984! Quote
Guest Anonymous Posted January 14, 2003 Posted January 14, 2003 First Grade.....true story. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, “...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, “Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’” The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that man said?” One little boy raised his hand and said, “I think he said ‘Holy S*#!! A talking pig!’” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. Quote
Ickle Posted January 14, 2003 Posted January 14, 2003 Excellent . very funny my kind of joke :lol: :lol: :lo Quote
eric Posted January 15, 2003 Posted January 15, 2003 An oldie by goodie Three dogs are at the vet, a German Shepherd, a Golden Retriever and a massive Great Dane - all boys. They start talking and getting to know each other when the reason for their visit comes up during the course of their conversation. "Well", the Shepherd states, "I'm here to be fixed because I'm too agressive and I'm always charging people who come to the front door. My owner hopes that by getting me fixed it will tone down my agression" "Really", the Golden says. "I'm here to be neutered as well. I'm always humping peoples' legs and my owners are getting really tired of it, so they hope that by getting me fixed I'll stop doing this" "Well", the Dane chimes in, "I'm here because my owner is this gorgeous aerobics instructor who is constantly walking around the house naked, and its driving me nuts. Anyhow, she was walking around naked again yesterday. She bent over to pick something up and just I lost all self-control. I mounted her and just went to town." "So you're here to be fixed as well?", the Shepherd asks. "No, no. Just here to get my nails trimmed". Quote
Daisysmom Posted January 15, 2003 Posted January 15, 2003 Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, "and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well." And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration." And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't give a sh*t one way or the other. Quote
behle Posted January 15, 2003 Posted January 15, 2003 So funny! So true!!! :roll: But don't tell my cats I think so! Quote
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